SLEAZE OTTER

the candy colored clown they call...

2011-04-20T16:16:00.000-07:00

the Sleaze Otter. Clowns are angry/hurt. Clowns are happy/tipsy.

I close my eyes.
Just like Blue Velvet.

I wanted to hate this guy, but couldn't. Look at him. He took his beating and not only showed up at the finish, he showed up at the finish and drank Coors Light (only canned beer they got at the Shadow Box) while giving out prizes. Good lookin out, Jared. Timbuk2 didn't know they hired Chuck Norris...

Earlyish in the evening, happy clowns get prizes. even though the Oregon posse cheated, and missed the 1st box (who told you what the task was?!), they "won" 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. This lovely skinsuit was donated by Stevil, over at allhailtheblackmarket, and is a symbol of individuality and his belief in personal freedom.

Late night. Clowns are sad. Clowns are happy.

when they reminisce over you

2011-04-20T09:36:00.000-07:00

For real.

Smile!

There were some high points. There were some low points. Seems like the lowest points came immediately after bombing down super rutty descents from the high points. These were the lowest points, the crashes.

Swing down sweet chariot, stop, and...let me ride. Having your friends laugh at you and carry on without you while you slowly push your creaking bike back up the hill listening to them hoot and holler will really pick you up. That or throw popcorn all over you.

The ER doctor says, and I quote, "No dirt could have done that."
Nice.
Nothing like getting heckled/accused of being a liar by the pompous ass in the white coat. Like you don't get enough of that from your "friends."

No one knows what happened to everyone, but everyone knows what happened to someone. Comment on your race experience, or send photos (inspektorjavertATgmailDOTcom).

zzzzzz.....

2011-04-19T13:39:00.001-07:00

If you have photos send them here: inspektorjavert(at)gmail(dot)com.

We'll get on a wrap up. I know some of you cheated. For now...

Thank You to our sponsors: Surly, Allhailtheblackmarket.com, Princteon Tec, and Timbuk2.

you ain't special, so shut the fuck up and finish your drink

2011-04-14T06:08:00.000-07:00

A few words before we begin.

Brakes are a very good idea. Some folks (I'm not one) can stop real good without em and all, but. Laguna Seca sits atop a big ass hill. Going down the hill will be required. If, say, a deer were to jump out in front of you (it happens) are you able to lock em up from 42mph on a 14% grade inside of 37feet on a skibbly surface?
Yes?
Cool.

Laguna Seca sits atop a big ass hill. Climbing back up the hill at the end of your ride will be required. If this kind of things makes you cry, you will not have a Good Time.

Dressing well means being prepared. If you are not covered in a luxurious coat of beautiful golden hued (perhaps a lovely mottled brown) hair, you will want some standing around outside type clothes.

If you are the guy (or gal) who blows it at the start, skips the course and heads straight for the bar at the finish only to drink more than is good for you and throw your bike down on the stage...fuck off. You aren't welcome back.

If you like making love at midnight...we'll work something out.

INvite

2011-04-12T21:18:00.001-07:00

Hey folks. Cut and paste as you like.

...that's when the Sleaze jumped out the startin' block!

2011-04-12T20:50:00.000-07:00

Eazily make our way to the meeting spot...

Just a little note to remind you: Don't be an ass. Keep it on the DL. The goal is to keep riding and keep partying, not to be partied out and/or thrown in jail.

In other and completely unrelated news...Welcome Timbuk2! People need bags to put stuff in, and you are helping them do it.

High 5s all around.

drag race dynamite!

2011-04-05T13:43:00.000-07:00

You know you love it.

When and if Sasquatch attacks, it will be the Full Moon. (Yeah, yeah, we heard you.) So lights, while always a good idea, are not as crucial as they might seem. What is crucial is that you get a fine ass pantsuit, and get ready. to. rumble.

up and down and all around

2011-04-01T12:23:00.000-07:00

You think a ape-like creature only hangs out in the woods? LOL. Sasquatch likes to git on the goodfoot, same as you. So pay attention, you just might learn somethin.

Learn this, too: like the joker to the North of us, the clowns to our right have committed themselves to helping us help you to git on your goodfoot. We welcome and thank SURLY for their help in our continuing dissipation.

I've got..you've got...WE'VE got to be unstoppable.

2011-03-31T19:06:00.000-07:00

All's it takes is one lone weirdo to get a party started.

Joining the dance is Stevil Kinevil of allhailtheblackmarket.com, with his generous contribution of cat hair covered pants and various sundry goods. Think of him as the guy in the red underwear/umbrella hat at 2:15...

Thanks, Stevil, you're one of us.

The rest of y'all...get your dancing shoes ready. This year's course promises to be down and dirty. For the 1st time in our storied history we begin and "end" at Laguna Seca. There will be no hiding and no copping out. As always- Any bike, any rider! Everybody who rides is welcomed. It's more fun thataway.

...he had beautiful hair

2011-03-29T12:41:00.000-07:00

It's the same MO...

I don't think you've got to worry so much about getting poked with a staff and told to "Git". I don't think you do.

But there may be some rough talking. And some dark trails. Better bring a light. Or follow someone who's got one.

Dumptruck dumptruck

2011-03-25T13:39:00.000-07:00

And so it begins...

Been trying to meet you

2010-04-16T08:26:00.001-07:00

mmmmmmm mmmhmmm. Must be a devil between us, or whores...

you can't win

2010-03-29T09:47:00.001-07:00

YOU can't.

You CAN'T, if you're stuck in that 1st is 1st me-me racist attitude. The tranny who who wins will be s/he who has the most funs. Look at the poor sucker in 2nd behind the Lion of Flanders:

having a Good Time?

People get ready.

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain

2010-03-12T16:17:00.000-08:00

unless he is also behind the bar.

This time around you will not be such a nothing, no head all full of stuffing, nor your heart all full of pain. Sleaze Otter IV is rumbling down the Golden showered Road set to arrive Saturday April 17th. Write that in sharpie on your face now.

The course will be changed. Again. But and so, don't be fooled... like the one guy the one year who said, upon receiving his manifest(o) "Oh. A flat course- I shoulda brought a different bike!" (yes. for real.)

It will get dark. You will need a light (front and rear) and a helmet and a lock. A bag is recommended.

ANY BIKE! ANY RIDER!

Watch the movie. It's good and it contains information you will need to win. You will need. You will need. Watch it with Dark Side of the Moon starting when the lion roars for the 3rd time if you haven't already. Also, this is a good point to mention: Pink Floyd Dark SideoftheMoon Team kits are expressly forbidden. You will DNQ. You will. Also, no creepy solo dancing either.

Ride your bike.

Knock knock

2010-03-03T10:04:00.000-08:00

Who's that coming down the yellow brick road?

Flying Monkeys.

Flying Monkeys who?

Flying Monkeys YOU.

Shit is hotting up.

Socks now? It's time to go?

2009-04-20T07:25:00.000-07:00

These are from king george and they're marvelous...

If you did attend Sleaze Otter 3: The Greatest Challenge and would like to add to the general fund of knowledge, you might share your (ahem) version of events in the comments section below. Any pictures that feature the organizers in a flattering light will also be posted if/when received.

Sorry, I will not post any of the photos taken when I was being tackled, harrassed or having empty cans thrown at me...

Finally and importantly: please take a moment to look at the following email addresses and consider (but then get distracted)- focus- writing to our sponsors to let them know how awesome you think they are and what a "great" time you had at Sleaze Otter. You people received a next-level amount of prize goodness, and if you want it to continue, do your part and say thanks! Use "sLeaZE otter" as your subject line...

>emilyATsurlybikesDOTcom
The always lovely (judging from the timbre of her emails, anyway) Emily sent a load of goods. Even though you aren't try and act classy when you email her to say thanks!

>steveATswoboDOTcom
Our man Stevil Kinevil helped you avoid the bummer life.

>yancopadsATyahooDOTcom
Our gal, Liz, hooked you up.

>toddingermansonAThotmailDOTcom
BlackCatBicycles came through in the clutch at least 6 different ways for this event. Send some personal love there in return.

>vipATvanderkittenDOTcom
These course staying bunch of rawhide tuff latenighters did you a solid. Let them hear you say thanks.

>what's that? what's that you say? no hunter cycles? hunh. where were those guys?

Just

2009-04-19T17:56:00.000-07:00

push play

and then continue.

wait for it.

So much fun. Soooooooo much. Hopefully pictures are coming up soon, but it depends on the participants to send in their photos, and we all know what a bunch of losers rode this year. Apologies to all the cool people, but even you (and by you I mean me; because I was the only cool person around) know it is true. BOOOOOOOO!

Anyways.Thanks, y'all. Sleaze Otter 3 was a Good Time. After all, what is funner than hanging out with a group of likeminded people who are all having a Good Time? YAAAAAAAY!

We will continue to update sometimes. You know, when so moved. Quit yo jibbba jabbba, and put us on your RSS Feed, sucka! If you were to take nothing else away from this whole fiasco it should be this: only you can make a scene happen in your town. Get on that shit, Holmes.

Mr T minus not a lotta hours and counting

2009-04-17T23:52:00.000-07:00

See that look in their eyes, Rock?

Get on your bicycle- whatever style of bicycle it is you like to ride (you like to ride?) and ride the hell out of it!

Be there or else...don't, I guess.

he's like a goddamned seagull?

2009-04-17T00:42:00.000-07:00

Well, if you throw them starchy treats like your shitty potato chips or your ugly Lucky charms, they'll swoop down and snap them up. It is true. Also napkins, condiments, dirty diapers, etc. They are a very rapacious bird.

But if you throw up an Alka Seltzer (rumor has it) they'll end up quickly on the rocks. Dead. On account of they cannot throw up, and the expansion blows their valves out.

Whatever. If you are at a certain bar and Dan wants to buy you a drink...just smile and nod. Or if he tells you how he stepped outside for a smoke and one of your bikes is on top of the other. Or if he wants to give you money for the jukebox. Or follow you to your next bar and tip the band to play something with bicycles in it "for you", and tell you about how he parked behind the nearby porn store...Smile and nod, but don't commit to anything.

everyone is a teacher

2009-04-15T22:34:00.000-07:00

It is easy to get sucked into the swirling cult of personality surrounding the indomitable Clubber Lang/ Mr T figurehead. Too much focus on one aspect of The Mystery is it's own trap. Do not forget, there are other notable sages in the Rocky III.

Consider Paulie, and what he can teach.

prediction?

2009-04-15T11:48:00.000-07:00

Don't kid yourself, sucka. You thought riding to Mortimer's All Night Card Room was pointless, confusing, cold and windy? We have been training in old bomber jackets, through frozen rivers of suffering, shadowed by hostile government agents! While you have been "training" in your heated pussy controlled indoor jr. high track wearing immaculate white spandex. And your hair was perfect.

Why?

Because we are at least a mov(i)e ahead of you, fool!

condition are GO

2009-04-14T14:16:00.000-07:00

Saturday is looking real clean weatherwise. A low of 52 degerees and not much wind? We'll take it. Lights and brakes recommended.

Something is fishy in Monterey when the wind and rain aren't plaguing the Sea Otter Classic- a racey type festival taking place the same weekend as Sleaze Otter. If you are in town to compete with us you might consider checking it out when you have down time.

In a related developement, rumors that Bigfoot will be in the hunt for a top 3 placing have been established as plausible by an important local person.

Finally, here is a lesson for those of you who sometimes blow it:

Recouping. It might come in handy Saturday night.

People get ready

2009-04-13T11:32:00.000-07:00

there's a train a coming. A peloton heading directly for the gutter. So get your knee high striped tube socks and your extra short shorts and sprint down the beach with us and Black Cat Bicycles, the new kid on the block sponsor wise.

DO NOT MISS THE SURF SIDE HUG from 3:04- 3:25. Life affirming.

We feel that Black Cat fills the hole left in our life since the penguin kicked it. Train up, suckas- you'll need it.

Respeck!

2009-04-13T11:19:00.000-07:00

A True Friend is hard to find. Like Hunter Cycles, our latest sponsor! You might like their bikes, they are good! And fast!

Check them out.

They would probably suck the poison out your big toe, but that would be be the limit of the sucking.

fucking awesome!

2009-04-12T11:53:00.000-07:00

Everything right, rolled up into one tasty bundle. Extra prizes to all who show up as Superfriends characters, and/or who have this speech memorized!

fucking awesome.

This type of situation is quite likely

2009-04-10T21:54:00.000-07:00

to arise during your Sleaze Otter tenure:

However don't feel bad if, as at the end above, you and your peers are unsuccessful at forcing the square kid into debauchery. At the next stop, you will get another crack at him. We are regrettably unable to guarantee New Edition will attend.

Sorry.

YANCO PADS riding the wave.

2009-04-09T10:51:00.000-07:00

Triumphantly returning to the action, much like the fool to his folly (that would be you, not them), is Yanco Pads!

YAY! Thanks (Liz) YANCO PADS for helping us help people help themselves to too much posse!

If you need the item of coverage you vulnerable portion bicycle, call on them. It is the more wonderful than you can believe it.

SURLY on board

2009-04-09T10:43:00.000-07:00

It will surprise no one to know the fine upstanding degenerates at Surly are (AGAIN! Thanks, Surly!) backing this wallowing pig of a trash barge that is the Sleaze Otter.

If you need a part of bike thing to make go your velo, you should see about them.
Proceed.

why don't you bring your pretty lil self over to the Sleaze Otter...

2009-04-08T23:19:00.000-07:00

we'll show you a real Town&Country Cat.*

*because Monterey is too highbrow for alleys, sucka. And yes, that does contradict the commonly held image of Clubber Lang, but you know what? The real Clubber Lang a.k.a B.A. Baracus does not care about your little categories. Except to say that "alleycat" is too narrow a definition of the kind of ridiculousness experienced during a Sleaze Otter, and even that narrows it down too much. Bottom line? How much fun can you handle while riding a bike? Well, punk, do ya?

There it is.

2009-04-08T20:21:00.000-07:00

This is the flyer from 2008 Sleaze Otter II, which was Zombie themed. Sorry you couldn't make it, suckers. It was fun. Stories and reports.

The year before (making it the inaugural) was simply Sleazy, and that was theme enough. We were not computerized at that point anyway, so no flyer repro for you!

This is all just to pave the road for this year's debacle:
SLEAZE OTTER 3: THE GREATEST CHALLENGE.

Get your wrasslin boots and your fancy gloves, bitches. It is on.
Saturday evening April 18th...7pm.